Responses to Conflict

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If you are struggling with a conflict of your own, think about the following:

1. Don’t take another’s behavior personally.   It may seem very personal when another comes at you from an uncomfortable angle or attack pattern.  Most people, however, have a habit of conflict behavior that has little to do with you or the problem that exists between the two of you.  Most likely, your “opponent” (for lack of a better word) behaves similarly regardless of whom he or she is in conflict with.
2. Consider Peace.  Is it possible to continue the relationship with the anticipation that peace is possible, even if it isn’t a reality right now?
   • IF YES:  do your best to work things out with the minimum of damage caused by “bad conflict posturing.”  Peace is not always possible; however, if the conflict resolves, the last thing you want is to try to erase hurtful words or irreversible actions taken in the heat of the battle.  Try to distance yourself from the issue long enough to create a strategy for resolution.  A skilled mediator can assist in creating viable options for resolution.
   • IF NO:  sometimes the most loving or logical thing to do is resolve the issue with an eye on a separate path in the future.  This is a big step.  We see from the position we are standing in, and sometimes the only thing we can image is what is exists currently.  We don’t know what lies ahead if we quit an unbearable job; overcome an addiction; exit a business partnership; draw a boundary with a family member.   Evaluate what it might be like if you make the difficult decision.  Is it possible that life can be more peaceful and satisfying?  Seek out a trusted friend to work through possibilities of the unknown.  We can’t live in a vacuum for very long, so letting go of one relationship, job, habit, or expectation creates a space that must be filled.  Your mission may be identifying what to fill that space with once you let go of an unbearable situation.
   • ACKNOWLEDGE LIMITED CONTROL:   Stonewalling behavior (being shut out or shunned) can be the most challenging situation of all, because if an opponent refuses dialogue, the rift remains intractable. The only healthy option available in response to stonewalling is acceptance.
3. Be Strategic.  Let’s face it:  a major life change may take careful planning.  In order to make a move toward a brighter tomorrow, take an honest inventory of what you have AND what you lack.  Do you need to educate yourself for a better job?  Do you need savings for a planned transition? 
4. Be Honest with Yourself.   Do YOU need to build capacity to address life’s curve balls in a more effective manner?  Can you “own” your shortfalls and recognize that you may need time to grow?  When I was a young mother, I used to say that I needed a vacation.  Someone close to me said, “Judy, your problems will be here when you get back from your trip.  You will be more in debt and come back to the same problems.  You don’t need a week off.  You need to address your life!”  These words of wisdom (from a very trusted person) helped me re-focus on the larger picture.  Some adjustments were necessary IN me, rather than requiring others to adjust TO me.  Try to understand what the real challenge is, or who the real opponent is.  It may be a simple matter of looking in the mirror and saying, “Be better, be more truthful with yourself, be more gracious with others.”  This is the hard stuff of life, but if addressed, can be the most satisfying.