Family Conflict Resolution
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Send to friendJudy Larkins serves families.
Parent/Teen Mediation | Adult/Sibling Reconciliation
At times our closest bonds can be the most painful. A wise philosopher once said, "As surely as sparks fly upward, humans are born to trouble." While the certainty of conflict is not in question, the surreal path that conflict leads us down can be bewildering. The closer the relationship has been, the more painful the breach.
Consider enlisting my help as a trained communication professional. It is helpful to have an unbiased mediator to bring a calming presence while delivering and clarifying messages, gaining feedback about emotional and cognitive processing, and to offer creative ideas for addressing and resolving issues.
Over the years, I've worked with extended family alienation & reconciliation, probate & estate disputes between family heirs, parent/teen communication & behavioral contracts, blended family restructuring, and an assortment of other family matters. Some family matters deal strictly with the heart. Other conflicts have financial or legal issues to be resolved. When agreements between family members are reached, a record of the agreements is created and signed by the family members. Depending on the situation, the document (Memorandum of Understanding) is suitable to file in court, but can simply be kept for future reference if agreements are breached in the future. The family members decide what is needed, and how formal or informal the record is.
At all ages, the strong bonds of family ties can be tested. It is particularly painful to experience the alienation of loved ones from our lives. It doesn't matter whether the dispute is sudden or prolonged over years, we humans seem to long for reconciliation with our family members.
Parent/Teen Mediation
The natural path of growing toward adulthood and individuation is fertile ground for parent-teen disputes. A rapid change in the level of dependency triggers strong feelings for adults and adolescents alike. The proper level of the parent "decreasing" in decision making, while the teen "increases" in their ability to make more choices for themselves can create a need for negotiation of many issues.
Mediation for Parent-Teen conflicts is not therapy, but a negotiation of meeting needs for each person in the relationship. Putting boundaries around what is acceptable and what is not can be a safety issue and also an issue of respect for each other. Often a parent feels progressively less influential and less important to their teen, while the teen remains dependent upon the parent to have a loving conversation about difficult topics. We learn from each other at all stages of life.
Having a third party, trained neutral professional can help bring difficult messages forward for discussion by word-smithing a message that the other can hear. Once agreements are reached, it is wise to reduce the new arrangements to writing so that in the future, when things might become emotional once again, all involved can refer to prior agreements and either modify or strengthen the promises made at an earlier date.
You may find the following article helpful: Using Appreciative Inquiry in Parent-Teen Mediation
Adult Sibling Reconciliation
Close sibling relationships can exist for many years, only to be dissolved over seemingly small disputes. Brothers and sisters who once relied upon each other in good times and bad can stubble into a labyrinth of suspicion, lack of understanding and disbelief. Holidays become an obsticle - how to explain to the kids why we are spending the celebration without the aunts, uncles and cousins? Will it ever be the same?
Mediation can be an effective method for safe exploration of the source of conflicts:
- How did we get here?
- Can we find a set of facts that we can all agree upon to create a common history?
- Do we love each other despite our flaws (and everyone has them)?
- Is it possible to say what you need to say without furthering the pain?