Common Conflict Behaviors

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Common Conflict Behaviors

It is a privilege and an honor to be selected to work with people struggling through some of life’s most difficult situations.  As a mediator, I enter into many types of disputes and work with parties who take a variety of approaches to the problem(s) at hand.  Some are respectful toward those they are in dispute with, while others take hostile positions.  My work provides unique opportunities to observe conflict theory in motion. Conflict behavior was a primary focus of my graduate work at the University of Denver; however, there is nothing like practical experience to  broaden and deepen understanding of conflict behavior.  I’m thankful to my clients, whom I’ve observed and learned a great deal from.   Numerous gems of truth and understanding have been collected from working in this challenging and rewarding field.   

Here are some of the most common conflict-behavioral patterns:

• Increased Formality:  Referring to the opponent using their proper legal name or surname, rather than a casual or nick-name.   Divorcing couples sometimes refer to each other after years of marriage as “Mr. Smith” or “Mrs. Smith.”
• Behaviors are Attributed to Character Flaws:  Taking offense from behaviors that were previously found to be acceptable or even appreciated; the newly offensive behavior becomes an important proof of the other’s character flaw or moral defects.   For example, an exaggeration of a fact for the sake of embellishing a good joke may now be “proof” that the story teller is now a liar, or uses humor inappropriately out of malice to hurt others, when previously the humor was invited and appreciated by both people.
• Avoidance through Deflection:  Redirecting attention away from the problem at hand to another topic, or possibly an assertion of a counter claim.  A classic tale from British history is the exchange between Winston Churchill and his friend:  “You, Mr. Churchill, are drunk.” “And you, Lady Astor, are ugly.   But I shall be sober in the morning.”
• Using Absolutes:  “She never ____.”  “He always ____.” 
• Abstracts rather than Facts: “It’s not fair…” and the person in dispute cannot describe what would be fair.  “He’s out to get me…” but the person cannot describe how their opponent has, or intends to, injure them.
• Demands rather than feelings:  “You need to…” rather than “when you behave this way it makes me feel…”
• Metaphors are sometimes packed with meaning; listen closely to verbal pictures people paint with words:  “It’s going to blow up” can point to volatility, while “She left me flapping in the wind” might indicate a feeling of instability.

Feel free to share your own comments or insights in response to this topic!